Discipleship is a Relational Process

Discipleship is a Relational Process. God’s desire and plan for us as his children is to become like him. The true child of God desperately wants to please his heavenly Father and become like him. This is what we mean by “growing in him.” Discipleship is a life-long process of drawing near to God through Jesus Christ and inviting him to change us. In fact, we cannot draw near to God and remain unchanged! Being in his presence is what changes us. To this end Jesus said, “Follow me.”

Rightly seen, discipleship is a relational process between the follower/disciple and Jesus Christ. When we see someone who relates well with others—tactfully, appropriately and courteously, we say that individual possesses and displays social grace. The word grace provides us with a great mind picture of traits that are both bestowed by God and cultivated by us. In this context, Webster’s Dictionary defines grace as: “A virtue coming from God; a disposition to kindness and courtesy; a sense of propriety or right; and the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful.” 

God gives us relational graces to help facilitate our relationship with him that we might know him better and thus be changed. Relational graces are not conditions to be met in order to relate to God, but means for deepening our relationship with God. In this book, I’m using the term relational graces to refer specifically to those graces that help us in relating with God (and others). These relational graces come from God (they are true to his character) and we cultivate them in our lives. Therefore, the relational graces require both dependence and diligence on our part.

If you are familiar with the concept of spiritual disciplines, you’ll notice that I’m employing the term relational graces in their place. My intent is not to change centuries of tradition!  But the word “discipline” is a stumbling block for many in terms of emphasizing what we must do (diligence), to the exclusion of our dependence on God. The next thing we know, we are measuring our spiritual maturity in terms of our success in the disciplines, rather than our relationship with God and its attending life change. By using the term relational graces I want to help us avoid the above problems.

Having said the above, let me be clear that the relational graces are not an end in and of themselves. We do not measure spiritual progress or maturity by the extent to which we practice relational graces. That would make us proud and self-sufficient rather than humble and Christ-sufficient. Instead, the relational graces provide a means for moving us closer to God. And in his presence he changes us. God measures our spiritual maturity and progress in terms of Christlikeness, godliness or holiness (1 Peter 2:13-16; Hebrews 12:14).

Many who call themselves Christians have an illusion of intimacy with God. That is, they call him “Father.” They may pray to him and go to church, but they have no idea how to relate with him. They don’t know whether he speaks to them, or how they would recognize his voice if he did. They aren’t sure of his will for their lives or how to discover it. They think they know what they believe about God, but their experience with God often seems to contradict their beliefs about him. They claim to trust Christ for salvation, but would never think of trusting him with their finances or career.

But God desires deep, authentic relationship with us! We can know him as a dear Friend and our heavenly Father. He wants to be intimately involved in all facets of our lives. We can hear and recognize his voice and know what his will is for our lives. The Bible is very clear about all these things. The relational graces provide us with means for relating with God and others effectively.

Focusing on relational graces also provides us with a different filter with which to view our relationship with God. Consequently, I found my thoughts turning to relational graces that I would not have considered when looking through the lens of spiritual disciplines.

The relational grace repentance demonstrates the interworking of our dependence on God and the diligence with which we pursue repentance. In 2 Timothy 2:25, speaking of those who oppose the gospel, Paul says that the Lord’s servant must not quarrel with them, but gently instruct them, “in the hope that God will grant them repentance.” Repentance according to this passage comes from God. Yet, in Revelation 3:19, the Lord urges the lukewarm Christians in Laodicea to “be earnest and repent.”

These examples reveal that repentance is both a God-given (godly) trait as well as one that he asks us to cultivate and display. The relational graces are like that, possessing both a God-dependence and a diligence on our part that flows from God’s strength.

Another key aspect of the relational graces emphasizes the fact that spiritual growth occurs in the context of relationships. Very few (if any) of the relational graces can truly be practiced solely by ourselves—at least for any extended period. The notion that we can work the relational graces (or spiritual disciplines) in isolation from others is faulty. In fact, we desperately need others!

Don’t get me wrong. We can practice personal prayer, study, meditation, solitude and other relational graces “by ourselves.” Of course, in reality we do not practice these relational graces by ourselves, but in the company of the Lord. But even these relational graces cannot remain in isolation from other followers of Christ for long. Personal prayer provides the basis for corporate prayer. Study and meditation purely in isolation breed imbalance and wrong doctrine. And solitude only finds meaning in the context of taking short breaks from spending time with others.

When it comes to the relational graces, there is no true “alone”. Even in the solitude we seek we long for communion with God. That is its purpose. Absolute aloneness is loneliness and is never desirable. That is the condition of the lost (Ephesians 2:12).

I stated earlier that spiritual growth takes place in the context of relationships. This is a hard saying. We don’t like to hear it. Relationships are so difficult; so complicated; so messy. We cannot control the relationships with those we like, much less with those we’d rather not spend time with. So how can I make this claim that without relationships we cannot grow in Christlikeness?

Read Galatians 5:19-26. Paul lists both the results of following the desires of our sinful nature as well as the fruit of following the Holy Spirit. Both lists are predominantly, if not entirely, relational in nature. We cannot live our lives in isolation from others. When a man who indulges in pornography claims he’s not hurting anyone, he is grossly mistaken! His lust has a profound impact on all his relationships—God, his wife, his children, other women in his life, etc.

Look at passages like Romans 12:3-21; Ephesians 4; and Colossians 3. All or nearly all of the Christlike character that God wants to build in us is relational. And because Christlike traits are relational, it makes sense that we need to learn and practice them in the context of relationships.

Put in a different way, John explains to us, “Everyone who loves the Father loves his child as well.” Many of us have assumed that we can read our Bibles, pray and worship God maintaining a good relationship with him, while being bitter, angry and unforgiving toward his children. What John tells us is that if we have a problem with a brother or sister, we have a problem with their Father! He does not allow us to separate our relationship with him from relationships with others. (See Matthew 22:37-39.)

Discipleship—following Jesus—is profoundly relational! So let’s look at some relational graces and how God uses them in our lives to grow in our relationship with him and with others, becoming more Christlike. To be continued…

© Rob Fischer 2008